What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:39
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was in good health!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She found it foreign!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why did i forgive my father ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i do to all so called friends.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My family never makes their pension either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He knew the spot.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I said to her